I (49M) have a sister, “Karen” (43F), who has two sons: “Tim” (16M) and “John” (14M).
For most of their lives I lived about 4 hours away, so I wasn’t very involved and mostly relied on Karen’s version of things. For years she’s complained that both boys are lazy: Tim sleeps all day (even in class), and John never gets his face out of a screen. During brief holiday visits, my interactions with them seemed to line up with what she described.
Recently, though, I moved to a large property only about 20 minutes from where they live. Once I got settled, I started inviting Karen and her family over regularly.
That’s when I started noticing things that made me question what’s actually going on in their house.
John acts pretty much exactly how Karen describes him. He hates being outside and refuses to go far enough from the house to lose Wi-Fi (cell service is spotty on most of the property).
Tim, though, has been the complete opposite. He loves exploring the property, feeding the ducks, and taking the bass boat out on the pond (it’s a little over an acre and I’m planning to stock it for fishing). But he gets tired very quickly and needs frequent breaks—sometimes even naps in the back of the truck.
Last visit, Tim asked if—since he’s 16 and has access to “his own” car—he could start visiting by himself. Karen and I both agreed.
So yesterday, after school, Tim came over alone for the first time. The first thing he asked was whether we had anything to snack on before going out to the ducks.
I told him of course and said he could help himself to anything in the pantry.
His response:
“Thanks. Just don’t tell my mom.”
That immediately set off alarm bells.
I asked what he meant, and he told me Karen is extremely strict about making sure he and John have access to the exact same amount of food because she thinks that’s “fair.” According to him, he’s not allowed to serve himself at dinner or order his own meal at restaurants because she’s accused him of “cheating his brother out of food.”
For context: Tim is around 6’2″, very thin, and still growing. John is around 5’6″ and considerably overweight.
Now I can’t stop wondering whether John is actually the only sedentary one, and Tim only seems “lazy” because he’s exhausted and not eating enough.
Here’s where I might be TA.
I’ve been considering setting up a whole food area for Tim in the barn. The previous owners sold the livestock before I bought the place, so aside from one cleaned-out stall where I keep the ducks overnight, it’s unused. I could easily put in a fridge/freezer, pantry shelves, microwave, maybe even an oven, and keep it stocked so he can eat whenever he wants without having to answer to Karen.
I know I don’t agree with her version of “fairness,” but I’m worried about what happens if she finds out.
Part of me also feels hypocritical because I’m usually one of those people who says, “Parents know best—stay out of it.”
But this situation feels… off.
I’ve even considered moving all the sweets and junk food into the barn if I do this so John doesn’t end up overeating when they visit together.
WIBTA if I let one of my sister’s kids eat more and didn’t keep things “fair”?