AITA for asking my friend to not wear her usual makeup style to my wedding?

Because I honestly thought this was a pretty normal bridesmaid thing… but now it feels like I’ve started a whole argument I didn’t see coming.

I (24F) recently asked my close friend Devin (23F) to be one of my bridesmaids. We’ve been friends since high school, and I was genuinely happy to have her standing with me on my wedding day.

When I asked my bridesmaids, I put together small gift baskets for them. Inside was a printed dress code sheet for the wedding.

It included:

• Green dresses (any shade or style)
• Silver heels
• Light, natural makeup

I also planned to have a makeup artist on-site so everyone could get ready together and match the overall soft look I had in mind.

Now, for context, Devin has a very bold personal style. She usually wears a goth-inspired look — pale base, heavy black eyeliner, dramatic contrast makeup. It’s very much her signature style, and honestly, she pulls it off well.

I’ve never had an issue with it before. I actually think it suits her personality.

But for my wedding, I wanted something more uniform for the bridal party.

A few hours after I gave her the basket, she texted me asking:

“So I’m not allowed to wear my makeup to the wedding?”

I replied honestly. I told her that if she wanted to be a bridesmaid, she would need to follow the dress code for the day, but if she didn’t feel comfortable with that, she was absolutely welcome to attend as a guest instead and dress in her own style.

I thought that was a fair compromise.

But she didn’t take it well.

She responded saying, “If you don’t want me to be myself then I don’t need to be there at all.”

I tried to explain that I wasn’t trying to change her identity or how she dresses in daily life — I just wanted the bridesmaids to match the wedding theme for one day.

But she came back saying I was trying to “aestheticize my friends” and that I cared more about pictures than her comfort.

That really threw me off.

Because from my perspective, this wasn’t about changing her as a person — it was about having a consistent look for the wedding party.

Now things feel really tense.

Some of my friends and family are saying I’m being controlling and unfairly singling her out. Others think it’s completely normal for a bride to set a dress code for her bridesmaids and that she’s overreacting.

Devin hasn’t spoken to me since that conversation. I’ve also heard from mutual friends that she feels like she’s basically been uninvited from the wedding, which is not what I intended at all.

Now I’m stuck replaying everything.

Because I never wanted this to turn into a friendship issue — I just wanted my wedding day to feel visually cohesive and organized.

And now I’m questioning whether I handled it wrong or if I just set a boundary that didn’t land well with her.

When Does a Wedding “Look” Become More Important Than a Friendship?

This is the part I keep getting stuck on.

From my side, I thought I was just setting a standard bridesmaid dress code — something most weddings have anyway. Coordinated outfits, matching makeup tones, and a unified look for photos and ceremony.

But from her side, I can understand how it might have felt very different — like I was asking her to change something personal about how she expresses herself, even if it was just for one day.

And now I’m sitting in this uncomfortable middle space where both things feel kind of true.

I didn’t ask her to stop being herself in general… but I did ask her to adjust how she presents herself for my vision of the wedding day.

So now I can’t help but wonder — did I set a normal boundary for my wedding… or did I unintentionally make my friend feel like she had to change who she is just to stand next to me?